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We were told we had weeks & have been given months

We were told we had weeks & have been given months. Sometimes I wonder if this would have been easier if we had gone into our 20wk appnt & he hadn’t had a heartbeat. The intense pain would have been instant instead of so drawn out but if that had been our story, he would have died w/o a name. We had been so preoccupied up until that point. Sometimes it was easy to forget I was even pregnant since we were chasing Evy around. Everything about our life changed that week. James became more than a 2nd pregnancy, he became a part of our family. His name is now spoken everyday in our home, in our prayers, & in my journal. Evy points to my belly & says “BABBYYY” which is both so sweet & also heartbreaking bc she will keep doing that once I’m not pregnant anymore. However, the videos we have of her loving her brother will mean so much to her one day. We’ve realized that there are two ways to look at our situation. We can either be angry that our baby’s prognosis is leading to no life outside of me or we can realize that this baby has been given SO MUCH LIFE. The beginning of our baby’s life started back in Oct. At the cellular level, God set him apart. His life & loving him looks nothing like we imagined but it has taught us so much about how the father loves us. Some days when I’m the most emotionally & physically weary, I think “what is in this for me?!” I don’t get baby snuggles or the joy of nursing or all of the beautiful seasons that come w/ a new child. All I have is pain. My hips hurt, my body is struggling to carry a baby who is already measuring full term at almost 31 weeks, my eyes are constantly puffy from the tears.... & yet in the midst of being in that pit, the Lord pulls me out & reminds me of the kind of love He has for us. What does He get from us? What’s in it for Him? His love is completely unconditional & It’s the most beautiful kind of love. I will never fully understand how to love like that but loving this sweet baby inside of me has given me a deeper understanding of what it means to simply love w/o expectations. Every day I am so thankful that I was chosen to be his momma. He’s changed me (& many others) in the most beautiful way.
08/05/2018

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